journey

by

Stillness

Some days words flow. Other days they don’t. Today is the latter. I can never pinpoint the difference why it goes one way some days and another way other days. I’m drinking the same iced tea with lemon, sitting in the same sun spot in the same chair at the same time of day, with the same overstuffed brain of thoughts and yet no writing topic is demanding attention or volunteering to be explored today.

They say that’s the life of a writer. Some days the words flow like Montana spring run off. Other days they dribble, or worse, dry up altogether. The advice is always: “just start writing, something will come.”

But today, I have fleeting thoughts on heavy topics. They dance in and out, not staying long enough for me to find a pattern or a point to them:

  • Do I ever hear God? (A leftover musing from a small group gathering last weekend.)
  • Will I ever consistently get this stepmomming thing right? (A lingering thought after a family meeting yesterday.)
  • Is it possible to ever feel free of all my life baggage? (A constant thought.)
  • What could I possibly ever write that would have value to others? (A nagging persistent thought that pops up each time I sit to write.)

Generally, I am frustrated on days like today. I want to explore my memories, discover an important lesson and capture it on paper.

But strangely, today, I feel calm, unhurried. Maybe today is different because of the soothing sound of my neighbor washing his driveway alongside the consistent, rhythmic chirp of a bird in a nearby tree. Maybe it’s the hum of an excavator working half a block away. Or perhaps– I’m tired. Emotionally tired by a recent hard conversation with the people I love. Physically tired from sleeping poorly because of it.  

Whatever it is, I’ll take it. In fact, I’m choosing to see it as evidence of growth. Not long ago, if I had nothing to say as a deadline approached, my perfectionist thoughts would have panicked.  They would have hounded and berated me endlessly until I had a blog written, edited, and queued for release.

Could it be that through this journey I’m getting taking hold of my perfectionism after all?

I can’t be sure. But what I do know is life is more peaceful without them. Life is more joyful when I extend myself the same grace I give to others. Life has a stillness and satisfaction to it when I simply let a bit of writing unfold, without expectation or force. And in that stillness, I’m discovering my ongoing questions are easier to answer:

  • I may not audibly hear God, but I feel him in the breeze around me and sense him in the connection I feel with that chirping bird.
  • I will not always stepmom perfectly, but I admire that I keep trying.
  • I may never be free of my baggage, but I can be grateful for the lessons I’ve learned because of it.
  • And just maybe those answers are what someone needs to read today. And if not, they were what I needed to write. And that is enough.
by

Hostage

“I don’t know about this,” I said to my husband Kris as we walked through the door, “I’m really not a fan of guns.”

“It’s going to be fine. Just try it. You might like it.”

I stepped into the bright warehouse. Colorful targets lined one wall, gear hung on the others. In the middle of the room stood a glass case containing guns of all sizes. Collectively, they looked menacing, a stark contrast to the smiling man behind the counter.

I had avoided guns my whole life with the exception of the required BB gun safety class in fourth grade gym. I have two memories of that class: lying uncomfortably on my belly, aiming at a target affixed to a cardboard box and afterward, throwing up in the hallway in front of all of my classmates. Perhaps the embarrassment of that incident kept me from touching a gun again for 35 years.

But now, years later, we were on a getaway date with my brother and sister-in-law and I wanted to be a good sport. That desire, and my husband’s casual reminder to “be brave, not perfect,” got me through my initial hesitation.

I was definitely a fish out of water, uncomfortable and nervous. For much of my life, perfectionism kept me from trying new things out of fear I would look stupid, feel awkward, perform imperfectly, or face judgement. I learned to observe rather than participate. But I’m changing that, so I signed the liability waiver and handed it back to the smiling clerk. In return, he handed me safety goggles, ear protection, and two targets: one featuring a woman being held hostage and another filled with cute, cuddly squirrels.

We stepped into the shooting area. “Ready for this?” Kris asked.

“Ready as I’ll ever be,” I said. “Besides, now I have to rescue this woman from her attacker or the guilt will keep me awake tonight. I just hope I don’t accidentally kill her.”

“Whatever you have to tell yourself to give this a try,” he smiled playfully.

I handed the hostage target to my brother-in-law so he could set things up. The safety officer in the room nodded at me, chuckling at my inappropriate footwear. I could only shrug in response. The heels matched my outfit.

I stepped into our cubby and leaned in to hear my brother-in-law’s muffled instructions through the earmuffs. He calmly pointed out the chamber, the safety, the clip. He rattled off a couple words of caution and some basics about my shooting stance.

“Ready to try it?” he asked.

Wait. Already? Don’t people usually take hours of gun safety? That was less than three minutes. I am now unconfidently holding a loaded weapon. What am I doing?

I nodded hesitantly, thinking through what I’d learned about body position. Square shoulders and hips to target. Create a solid grip. Extend arms out. Slightly bend knees and elbows. Lean forward. Close one eye. Line the site up with the attacker on the target. Pull evenly on the trigger. Don’t hit the hostage.

I took a steadying breath and fired. The kickback startled me, and the empty shell casing flew into the air and straight down my shirt.

“What the heck?!?!” I yelped, dropping a hand to my shirt to find and free it.

“They will fly all over. Just stay focused. You have a bunch of shots to go,” my brother-in-law said.

I took aim again and again, gradually adjusting to the feel of the gun and the strength of the kickback. Before long, the clip was empty.

“Let’s see how you did,” he said, bringing the target back in with the press of a button.

I took stock of the attacker and hostage. He was definitely dead. She may never use her right hand again but otherwise appeared unscathed.

“You saved her,” Kris said coming up beside me. “Nice work! What did you think?”

I looked down at the gun, a small sleek 9 mm pistol, and back at my target. I thought of how my journey to replace perfectionism with bravery had brought me to this unexpected place. I felt an unexpected glimmer of pride.

“Time to take care of those pesky squirrels.”

by

Tease

The boat rocked as we made our way down the river. The sun shone overhead, its heat softened by the occasional passing cloud. I stood at the bow of the boat, casting my arm forward and back, trying to mimic the fly fishing cast I had learned before we set off. The rhythm of it soothed me.

“That looks great. Aim for that little pocket of darker water over by the shore. The fish love to gather there,” my companion said. I took aim.

Forward and back. Forward and back. Forward and back. On the third cast I let the fly touch the surface just briefly and was rewarded with a tug on the line.

“You got one! Real him in.”

Caught up in the excitement, I scrambled to follow the directions.

“He’s a nice one. Great work, especially for your first time,” my guide encouraged me, grabbing the net to contain the fish.

I smiled back at him. “Thanks for teaching me and bringing me out here. I’ve always wanted to try fly fishing.”

Having released the fish after the customary photo, I cracked open a Corona and settled into my seat, leaning back to feel the sun on my face.

My companion guided the boat towards a little pool of calm water to rest. This wasn’t our first encounter. We’d been regularly running into each other at the bar after work. He was young and made me laugh; the perfect distraction to ease the pain of a recent and brutal breakup. This fly-fishing afternoon was the first time we’d purposefully gone out together, and it was working. I felt relaxed and happy for the first time in months.

Caught up in the mood, I set my beer down and made my way towards him, straddling his lap.

“Really, thank you for today. It’s just what I needed,” I said, leaning in for a kiss.

I felt his hand run up my back, stroking it softly. “Sure. I like spending time with you.”

Our kiss deepened. His scruff was softer than my ex-boyfriend’s. The kiss felt foreign but not unpleasant. As the alcohol’s warmth descended, I lost myself in the moment, my body sinking into his as I let my guard down.

Then, I felt his fingers move from my waist, to my bikini strap, trying to free the knot. I stiffened, broke our kiss, and climbed off his lap, heading back to my spot at the front of the boat.

“You’re such a tease,” he said laughing. I flashed him a flirty smile in response, one that didn’t quite reach my eyes.

Such a tease. His judgement clung to me. I knew I didn’t actually owe him anything, and yet I felt I did. He had unknowingly bolstered my resolve to leave a destructive relationship by providing me with a distraction. His interest in me had helped me begin to move from self doubt towards confidence. His infectious, carefree take on life had brought about my first moments of joy after several challenging years.

I was grateful. But I was also fragile. A painful divorce followed by a terribly toxic relationship had left me wary of being used, afraid it would add baggage to a heavy load I already struggled to carry.

We floated slowly down the river as I worked through complicated questions. Do I really want to take the next step with him, or do I just hate being called a tease? Should I say no and risk losing his interest and company? If I lost him, could I resist returning to my ex and our destructive relationship? Was I willing to risk finding out?

The boat bumped the shore, jarring me out of my reverie. We’d reached the end of our journey. I helped to clean it out, picking up the empty bottles I’d dropped at my feet as I wrestled with the potential fallout of each decision. With the boat on the trailer ready to go, I felt the weight of the moment. I needed to make a decision. And one choice marginally outweighed the other.

While I wasn’t necessarily ready for sex, it seemed to be his preferred currency. And I couldn’t afford to lose him. There was simply more potential for damage without him than with him.

He is kind to you. We have fun together. No one will judge you. It probably would have happened one day anyway. I encouraged myself as I climbed into the truck and slammed the door.

“Want to come back to my place?” I asked looking over at him. He smiled broadly and nodded his ascent. I cracked open another Corona.

by

Perpetual Journey

“That’s it, I’m done with this,” I huff, setting my phone down in frustration. I lift my sweater to unbuckle the strap compressing my rib cage.

“What are you doing? What’s the problem?” my husband Kris asks from his perch at the counter.

“It’s this stupid exercise contest and the uncomfortable heart monitor belt that goes with it. My feet are killing me from running. I can barely walk or climb stairs my legs are so sore. I’m behind on work because of the time it takes me to fit this in, and this belt is literally cutting me in half. And now there’s no chance of winning the contest, so what’s the point?”

“It’s only day three Sara, you have all month to compete. Weren’t you in first place the other day?”

“Yes,” I snort in disgust. “I worked my tail off for five hours to get ahead yesterday, and did the same this morning, and still this other guy has double my points! I mean, I can’t exercise ten hours a day, that’s ridiculous!”

Finally finding the belt release, I fling it on the counter, plop myself into the chair next to him, and sigh.

I know I shouldn’t let it get to me. It’s a fun competition among friends. But it is also one that triggers my perfectionist and competitive tendencies which makes it harder to get my feelings under control.

I punch the close button on the app’s challenge board currently broadcasting my loser status, grab the belt, and stomp upstairs, tossing the belt onto my bedside table as I head for the shower.

Get a grip Sara. This isn’t life or death. You don’t have to prove anything to these people. They aren’t judging you.

But I can’t get a grip. As the water falls down over me I decide to bow out. It feels better for my soul. Another 27 days of working out while trying to adopt a healthy perspective on this competition would mentally exhaust me.

The discarded belt collects dust as the days pass. Everytime I see it, I vacillate between feeling like a childish sore loser and a wise woman, protecting my spirit. And while the belt’s presence doesn’t consume me, I am aware of the guilt ridden thoughts just below the surface. Occasionally these thoughts win and I strap it back on for a half hearted workout, before setting it back in its place.

Weeks later, I find myself in church on Easter, studiously taking sermon notes as the pastor outlines the way God sees us. It’s a hopeful message to match the holiday. One particular tidbit catches my attention.

“We aren’t finished yet,” my note reads. I begin drawing doodles as the pastor expounds, outlining her case for how our lives are journeys that never end, how we never stop growing or learning until our time on earth is done. And as such, God does not expect us to be anything other than a work in progress.

Logically, I know what she’s saying is true, but my perfectionist side often keeps me focused on end results for tangible proof of my worth. My journey, historically, has always been a means to an end. Something to struggle through to get the reassuring gold stars when the task is complete.

I have always had a subtle belief that I will one day be done with self discovery. That I will become the very best and perfect version of me with no flaws, pain, or missteps from that point forward. Hearing a reminder that it is impossible, that I will always be a work in progress, is initially disheartening. And yet, as I wrap my mind around this truth, I find it freeing as well.

If I can never achieve the “perfect” version of me, if it simply isn’t possible, perhaps I can begin to enjoy the journey of self discovery with greater consistency instead of always feeling as though I’m failing by never reaching the end.

Climbing into bed later that night, I notice the heart monitor band and am reminded of the competition. A competition that was intended to motivate us to begin a healthier set of habits by providing accountability and camaraderie. A competition I became so focused on winning, I failed to find any joy or value in the journey.

But with nine days left of the challenge, maybe it’s not too late to change that.

by

Spanx

“You about ready Sara?” my friend called from the other room.

I glanced down at the Spanx suit around my knees. “Just about!” I called back.

I grabbed hold of the fabric, scrunched it up and pulled it over my thighs. Carefully unrolling it a centimeter at a time, I tucked extra bits in here and there, pausing to adjust my underwear when it got stuck. I pulled the fabric across my torso, made sure the butt indentations lined up correctly, and pulled the straps over my shoulders.

Good grief, how will I ever go to the bathroom? I’ll have to completely disrobe.

I caught my reflection in the floor length mirror, turned sideways to see if any slimming had happened, and reached for my dress. It was difficult to move. Things pinched here and there. I even squeaked when I moved.

This is ridiculous. Aren’t Spanx supposed to be comfortable?

I slid my dress over my head. While I had to admit my silhouette looked better as the fabric settled into place, the Spanx were longer than the dress!

For crying out loud, I thought blowing an errant piece of hair off my forehead, I don’t have time for this.

I yanked the dress and the restraining undergarment back off, and reached for my  backup Spanx — the biker short length. They didn’t cover me from shoulder to knee but perhaps would cover the most essential parts of my midsection.

“Sara?” my friend called.

“Ya, I know. I’m hurrying!” I yelled back.

But, even the shorts weren’t short enough! The Spanx fabric still peeked out from under the dress. I sat on the toilet, trying to push the fabric up, bunch it out of sight. It didn’t work.

Now what? All the girls look gorgeous in their leather pants and cute dresses. I feel like a frumpy mess.

Catching sight of myself in the mirror, I sighed. What am I doing? Why am I so intimidated? I never worry this much.

I was traveling with several women, half of whom I didn’t know. It was intimidating. To prepare, I’d spent the preceding two weeks at appointments. I’d dyed my hair, done my nails, shopped for new clothes, experimented with botox. I tried on every outfit I packed, ensuring all the accessories and combinations were Instagram worthy. I exercised. Fasted. Tanned. Fretted. Packed. Unpacked. And packed again.

Despite my efforts to be brave instead of perfect, I became consumed by the pressure to measure up to my companions.

Am I even enjoying my time here? Why is it so easy to fall back into perfectionism?

“Sara? Everyone is ready.”

I stood up and yanked off the spanx. I pulled on my boots, and assessed my reflection in the mirror. My eyes gravitated to my trouble areas, spotting a lump here, a divot there.

As my perfectionistic thoughts prepared their critique, I defiantly lifted my chin to stop them.

I am strong. I am confident. I have much to offer. I am brave, not perfect. I don’t need Spanx. I am beautiful– soft places and all.

“Let’s go have some fun,” I said as I yanked the bathroom door open.

“I love your dress,” one friend called as we headed out of the hotel room.

I smiled.“You can stay here,” I whispered to the Spanx, shoving them into my dresser drawer. “I’m fantastic without you.”

by

Ham, Shem, and Jepath

I pull into a parking space and turn off the car. Flipping the visor down, I smooth a flyaway hair from my face, and reapply a bit of lip gloss. I make eye contact with myself, and start my weekly pep talk.

“You’ve got this. You were invited here. They value your opinion. You deserve to be here as much as anyone.” I’m heading into a women’s leadership meeting at my church. I’m nervous. Groups of intelligent women intimidate me. I never feel like I measure up.

“You have been enjoying these meetings, remember? It won’t be like childhood.”  

It is a memory I recall easily. I’m sitting in a semicircle with a dozen girls in spring-colored dresses and shiny patent leather shoes. The girls opposite me are giggling about something. I watch the bows in their hair bob and weave as they huddle together, wondering what they’re talking about.

“Ok girls. We are going to play a Bible trivia game,” our Sunday School teacher says, clapping of her hands to get our attention. She is a kind woman with a helmet of curled, white hair. “If you get enough questions right, you can have free time outside.” A ripple of excitement runs through the group. It is a beautiful spring day.

The teacher gathers her stack of trivia cards and begins. I relax when I realize she isn’t going to make us take turns. Anyone who knows the answer can guess. Shy and uninterested in attention, I stay quiet throughout the game. We cover the bible basics. The ten commandments. The disciples. A few parables. We are sensing victory.

“You only need one more correct answer to earn your prize,” she says, smiling at our anxious faces. “What were the names of Noah’s three sons?” We look at each other, hoping someone will know the answer. No one is willing to guess.

“Anyone want to give it a try?” she eventually asks. I look down at my shoes and play with the hem of my dress, hoping to go unnoticed, knowing I probably won’t.

“How about you Sara? Your dad is the pastor. Do you know the answer?”

Everyone turns to look at me with hopeful eyes. The question is obscure. The teacher probably can’t even answer it without turning the card over to see the solution. But since my dad is the pastor, I’m often expected to know trivia answers, lead worship songs, and, in general, behave more piously.

I wipe my hands nervously on my dress. “I don’t know,” I mumble.

“Oh,” she says, surprised, flipping the card over to see the answer. “Ham, Shem, and Japeth,” she reads. “Let’s repeat that together.” My disappointed, stuck-inside, classmates do as she asks, but I’m lost in my thoughts.

“I should have known that. I let everyone down. I need to study more. This always happens. I need to be better prepared so I don’t have to feel this way again.” I glance at the bible sitting on the table next to her, overwhelmed by its size and wondering with despair how I will ever memorize it.

Now, as an adult I feel sad for “little me” in that situation. I am angry at the teacher for her unfair pressure. At the same time, I can see the situation from another point of view. I see a teacher doing her best, trying to help our class earn a prize. I see classmates hopeful but not passing judgment at an incorrect answer they also didn’t know.

And I see “little me,” sad and hard on herself when she didn’t need to be. She was every bit as beautiful and smart as those around her. She had lots to offer. She simply didn’t know the answer to an obscure trivia question.

The shift in perspective makes me wonder if my negative and anxious thoughts this morning are also untrue. If I will one day look back on this moment and see it with greater clarity. Feeling encouraged, I grab my purse off the passenger seat, slam the car door, and head for the building. Hearing my heels click as I cross the pavement I smile, remembering “little me’s” shiny shoes.

“Screw Ham, Shem, and Jepath. We both have lots to offer,” I say as I grab the door handle and head confidently inside.  

by

Finally Free

“Are you ready Sara?” my stepson Ethan called up to me.

“Almost. Give me five more minutes,” I yelled back.

I looked back at the screen, cursor hovering over the POST button on my blog. My article Little Me, sitting, waiting, ready to be released to the wider world. I took a few steadying breaths.

“I can do this. It will be good to do this. I’ve kept this memory a secret for too long.”

I re-read the first couple of lines for the thousandth time as anxious thoughts circled.

“What if people judge me? What if he finds out what I’ve written and gets mad at me?”

I’d spent hours working on the piece, reliving the shame-filled memory it described, trying to capture the depth of how it felt in words. I’d written and rewritten it, agonizing over how it would be received, wondering if I should share it with others and open my experience up to their critique.

“SARA!! We’re waiting!” my husband Kris called.

“Coming!” I yelled back, hurrying downstairs, hitting “post” before I could change my mind.

“What are we watching?” I asked grabbing a blanket and settling into the couch.

“Leaving Neverland,” Ethan replied as he hit play.

“It’s the two part documentary about Michael Jackson,” my husband added handing me the popcorn bowl.

I was aware of the film. In fact, I’d been actively avoiding it, afraid the accusations of abuse it contained would impact my love of Michael’s music.

“Just try it,” Kris said sensing my hesitation.

An hour later, Ethan broke in over the narrative, “Most people don’t think these accusations of abuse are true. Online, they’re saying these guys have testified for Michael in the past. They said under oath nothing happened to them. Why would they lie?”

“Maybe they will talk about that,” I half-heartedly answered, but in my own way, I already understood why they would lie to protect someone who was bad for them. I had done the same thing until an hour ago when I posted Little Me.

But–why did I lie? Why did I go to such great lengths to hide a secret? Those were questions I could try to answer, and hopefully learn from.

I lied because I was afraid of what the truth would reveal about me. But I also lied to protect him, the boyfriend who had caused me serious pain and self doubt. I lied because, at times, despite his cruelty, I still loved and admired him. Or maybe, I just wanted to save him, hoping that his redemption would somehow mean my own. I lied because my feelings were so complicated, so firmly rooted in the gray of life, I didn’t know how to process them and I was certain others wouldn’t understand. So instead I kept secrets, until, finally, I found the courage to write about it.  

After the movie, I lay awake wondering how my post would be received, and what the fallout would be in the coming days. And I imagined the men in the film feeling that same anticipatory fear. What would people say when the truth came out? Would they be compassionate or condemning? Would they only see the prior lies?    

“I watched the Michael Jackson documentary,” I said to my friend two weeks later.

“What did you think?” she asked.

“Well…” I said, remembering my blog-anxiety from the night we watched it, suddenly realizing how much had changed since then. I had started to laugh more frequently. I had more energy. I  no longer tried to maintain an illusion of perfection with my friends, making our interactions more authentic. I remembered how others had shared their experiences in response to my article, making me feel understood and less lonely. Most importantly, I felt lighter and more peaceful. Sharing my secret had released me from its tenacious hold.

I smiled at her. “I think in telling their truths after all these years– they might finally feel free.”

by

Slivered Almonds

I surveyed the ingredients on the counter, comparing them to the simple recipe pulled up on my phone. Satisfied I had everything, I turned on the burner, filled a measuring cup with slivered almonds, and dumped them into the pan.

“Here goes nothing,” I said to the little dog at my feet.

Earlier that day, knowing my cooking skill limitations, a friend had given me the task of bringing a bag salad to our gathering that night.  Determined to fancy up the bag of butter lettuce chilling in the fridge, I had decided to make candied almonds.

“Let’s hope replacing brown sugar with regular sugar doesn’t mess anything up. Think that will work?”

The little dog cocked his head in response. I took it as a yes, and dumped the sugar into the pan, sprinkled in a little cinnamon, and picked up the spatula.

“Stir continuously for 5-7 minutes until toasted. Do you think they literally mean continuously?” I asked him. Met only with silence, I turned on a timer and began stirring.

Cooking has long been my nemesis. I am beyond uncomfortable in the kitchen. The loosey-goosey nature of cooking directions does not fit my desire for perfection and precision. Burned bread, chewy chicken, soggy vegetables, and other less perfect meals had caused me to hang up my apron years before.

“See where trying to be brave instead of perfect gets me?” I asked my little companion. “At least no one is expecting anything more than a bag of lettuce from me if this is an epic fail.” More silent staring and a tentative tail wag.

I glanced at the timer. Three minutes to go. As far as I could tell nothing was happening in the pan. I watched the almonds cut trails through the sugar, wondering how the two would ever cling to each other.

“Maybe I should have added butter.” A few thumps of the tail and the small butt wiggle he reserves for his favorite things. “You like butter?” I asked. More wiggling.

Turning back to the pan I noticed that the sugar seemed to be melting. As I stirred, it began to coat the almonds with a light sheen. Soon a little smoke and toasted almond smell emanated from the pan.  

I glanced back at the recipe.

You can tell the almonds are done when you start to smell the toasted nut flavor and the sugar melts completely, coating the nuts.

“But there’s still two minutes on the timer,” I said to my little helper. “Do you think they’re done?”

I turned off the heat, certain burned almonds weren’t what I was going for.

I spread them on wax paper to cool, hoping they would cool into crunchy bits of deliciousness.

I cleaned the kitchen to pass the time, eventually returning with my companion to the almonds.

“Well, here goes nothing. You want to try it first or should I?” I asked him. He let out an excited whine. I flipped him an almond in response. It was devoured instantly.

“I’m not sure you’re the best judge,” I said, “you didn’t even taste that.”

I picked up my own piece and popped it into my mouth where it dissolved into a lovely blend of sweet and crunchy.

“We did it!” I yelled picking him up off the floor and spinning in a circle. “We actually did it!”

Later that night I gathered around the table with friends, enjoying our last dinner together before one moved across the country. “Where did you find the almonds for the salad Sara? They’re delicious.”

“I made them,” I replied to stunned silence.

“You cooked?” she asked. “But you hate to cook. Why the change? Because you’re learning to be brave, not perfect?”

“Yes,” I answered. “And because I’m going to miss you. You are absolutely worth facing my fears for.”

by

Little Me

**Sometimes being brave means sharing past life moments I’ve hidden for years. This blog tells of one of those moments.**

There’s a small crack on the wall above the door frame. If I wasn’t staring numbly at the wall, I wouldn’t notice it. I briefly wonder if someone once slammed the door so hard it cracked the plaster, or if it was something more benign, a simple settling of the earth.

The crack moves out of focus as my eyes fill with tears. Refocuses as I blink them away.

Outside the door, I can hear his voice, rising and lowering as he talks. A chuckle here, a softening of his tone there. He is pacing in the hallway, unhurried and unconcerned with how I’m feeling inside the room.

I can’t make out the words, but I don’t need to. I am familiar with the tone. It is the sweet one that hooked me two years earlier. Now, that tone tells me, he isn’t checking in with a babysitter about his kids, he’s talking to a woman he’s been intimate with who happens to be watching his kids.

I’ve been that girl. I’ve watched his kids a lot. I almost feel sorry for her. I’m certain she doesn’t know he’s here with me.

Uncertain of what to do, I grab my empty glass from the bedside table and head for the liquor bottles, determined to get my money’s worth at our all-inclusive resort and to keep the pain at bay. I fill my glass with rum and top it off with a small splash of coke from the mini fridge.

As his laughter seeps through the wall, I slide open the door to the porch, grabbing the cheap wooden pipe we bought from a vendor on the beach. It has a rudimentary carving of a frog along the side. At least I think it’s a frog. He hadn’t sprung for one with a clear carving, saving his limited funds for a bag of cheap Mexican marijuana purchased in the backroom of a store selling colorful trinkets and souvenirs. His one financial contribution to our week away.

Setting the glass down on the table, I crawl into a chair, pulling my knees to my chest, trying to make myself as small as possible. I raise the pipe to my lips and flick the lighter, take a deep breath, inhale.

A couple resort workers walk by, laughing as they head to their cars. Their shift is ending as day turns to night. They don’t see me sitting in the corner, tucked into myself. Their laughter feels out of place, the wrong soundtrack for the moment.  

As I take a swig of my drink, the first negative thought breaks through.

“He is talking to another girl while you pick up the tab for a first rate vacation! How stupid can you be?”

A drag of the pipe, another swig of my drink.

“My how the mighty have fallen. You thought you had it all together. Had all the answers to life. How’s that working out for you now?”

To stop the negative voices, I picture myself as a little girl. It’s a strategy I’ve used before. Little me is too young, innocent, and small to speak harshly to. Little me was good enough. Often I picture her standing beside me with a comforting hand on my shoulder, as if the power of her potential and innocence can stop my negativity.  

This strategy often helps, but not tonight.  

“You have gotten exactly what you deserve. Your husband divorced you. And now this man uses you. You don’t even put up a fight any more.”

Three swallows from the cup, but nothing stops the incessant ranting. As a little girl, I never imagined I would feel like this. I’m exhausted but restless. Numb but somehow antsy. Inside, I feel darker than night. My mind is as unshakably toxic as the man outside my door calling another woman “baby.” I am so tired of overhearing his flirty tone, and yet I feel strangely deserving of this treatment. An utter failure.

I rest my head on my knees, praying for relief, but finding none.

I move to the bathroom and turn on the shower to feel better, to drown out the sound of his voice. But it doesn’t work. His voice is gone but the negative thoughts are louder, like jackals moving in from every side, yanking me down onto the shower floor. There, months of pent up grief, fear, anxiety, and doubt pour from me. I cannot catch my breath.

Once again, I picture me as a little girl, sitting next to me on the shower floor, but rather than comfort me, she buries her face in her hands. I feel nothing and everything, a primal place I didn’t know existed.  

Time passes. The water continues to fall. But there is nothing but black darkness left. No light. No hope. Just the pit of rock bottom and no way out.

Eventually the door opens. “What are you doing on the floor?” he asks sharply. The light cuts across my eyes, alarmingly bright as I raise a hand to shield my face.  

I can’t find an appropriate response or the energy to give it. There’s no kindness, concern, or patience in his voice. I hear him snort as he turns and walks away, heading for the patio.

I turn off the water and reach for my towel, moving in slow motion, eventually making my way to the chair beside him.

“What is the matter with you?”  he says “We are in a beautiful place and you’re crying on the shower floor.” He takes a drag from the pipe, exhaling a curl of smoke into the night air.

I have no response. There’s really nothing to say. He has never been overly concerned with my feelings and doesn’t plan to start now. Two days into a week-long vacation and things are already clear. He has moved on and has no intention of pretending otherwise. He is here for the paid vacation.

Is this all I deserve now? This relationship, and my divorce before that, have taken their toll, stripping away my self-worth one challenging moment at a time.

We sit in silence for a while. Occasionally he offers me the pipe. I accept it, hoping its contents will provide me with an escape, help me sleep.

Eventually I unfold from the chair. My muscles ache from head to toe. Deep inside, I know I deserve better, and certainly little me deserves more, but I don’t have the energy to fight for either of us tonight. Instead, I leave him out there, turn out the bedroom lights and crawl into my side of the bed. I grab my headphones, queue up a “happy” playlist and listen to one song after another, watching the shadows shift as the trees dance in the streetlight’s glow.

An hour later, he stumbles into bed, and begins snoring. Five more days of this vacation left. A penance, perhaps, for being unable to hold my marriage together and for choosing a broken companion to chase away the loneliness.  

“If this trip is already like this, will there be nothing of me left after five more days?” I wonder. Does it even matter?”

I close my eyes. “Does it even matter?”

I roll onto my side and wipe the tears from my cheek. “Do I even matter?”

Then I imagine little me again, touching my shoulder. This time her voice gets through the negativity as I drift into an exhausted sleep. “I think we do.”

by

Me

I top off the air in the tires, squeeze them to be sure they are full, and set the pump back on the shelf. Headphones in place and podcast queued up, I push off and begin pedaling, settling myself on the bicycle seat as I head down the familiar road towards the beach.

Overhead, the trees shade me from the sun, dripping Spanish moss down to create a canopy of texture and sound. I feel my hair begin to curl in the humid South Carolina air and smile as I bid goodbye to the twelve wasted minutes I spent straightening it earlier.

I hit play on my podcast and Oprah’s voice fills the silence. I’m in the middle of a podcast series with her and Eckhart Tolle, the author of one of my favorite books, A New Earth. They are discussing the book chapter-by-chapter and they are the perfect companions for my ride.

“The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation, but your thoughts about it,” Eckhart is saying. “Be aware of the thoughts you are thinking. Defining yourself through thought is limiting yourself.”

I hit pause to let his statement soak in. As I turn it over in my mind, I remember the last time I was miserably unhappy. It was just a couple weeks ago on a hotel balcony in Costa Rica.  

Then, after 48 hours of tension and raw discussions with my husband on our honeymoon, I’d retreated to the balcony, exhausted, deflated, and quickly spiraling into a dark place. Curled up with a box of kleenex in a swinging chair, I let the tears fall. Earlier, he’d expressed a list of hard-to-hear, but valid, insights about me and about our relationship. Those had mingled with a harsh follow-up critique from my inner perfectionist and sent me to a familiar pit of despair. Every negative thought felt so true and real they crushed me with their assessment of my character.

Now, riding my bike toward the beach, I realize that defining myself through my perfectionistic thoughts limits who I am and is the primary cause of any unhappiness. What if I hadn’t been so attached to who those thoughts say I am? Would I have felt such a strong need to dig in and defend myself for two days? Would I have sunk into such a dark place after? Probably not.

Overhead a crow caws his agreement as I hit play on the podcast, anxious to hear more.

Tolle continues: “Ego takes everything personally. Emotion arises, defensiveness, perhaps even aggression. You are defending yourself, or rather the illusion of yourself…If there is awareness in you, you will be able to recognize that voice in your head for what it is: an old thought, conditioned by the past. You no longer need to believe every thought you think. ”

I rewind and listen again, remembering my awful thoughts in Costa Rica. That night, I twisted what my husband said and convinced myself I was a bad friend, a bad wife, an endless work in progress who would never be good enough.

But I also remember, that as my tears ran out, I felt the breeze and heard the sound of the waves crashing on the shore. I noticed the canopy of stars stretching endlessly above me. I became aware of my breath and the feel of the wall under my feet as I pushed off to keep my chair swinging. My emotional exhaustion had returned me to the present moment.

Was that the awareness Eckhart spoke of? The feeling of being so present in the moment that my thoughts still?

“How to be at peace now?” Tolle asks, before answering his own question. “By making peace with the present moment. The present moment is the field on which the game of life happens. It cannot happen anywhere else…It is when we are trapped in incessant streams of compulsive thinking that the universe really disintegrates for us, and we lose the ability to sense the interconnectedness of all that exists…Only if we are still enough inside and the noise of thinking subsides can we become aware that there is a hidden harmony here, a sacredness, a higher order in which everything has its perfect place and could not be other than the way it is.”

Arriving at the beach, I turn the podcast off, and hear my bike tires rumble over the boardwalk below. Countless times, over 35 years, I’ve ridden this way, knowing the smooth sand of the Atlantic shore will greet me at the end. I return because riding along the ocean in this familiar place soothes something inside me. Here I can always drown out the voice in my head; the one Eckhart is talking about.

But, while it is easy here, I must remember the peace of being in the present moment is always available to me, regardless of my location or life events. And being in the present moment quiets my thoughts and reminds me I am not who they say I am. I am something more.

I turn my bike into the sun. A flock of small sea birds flitters past, alighting on a tide pool just ahead, only to take off immediately as I reach them. We move from tide pool to tide pool as I pedal down the beach. A pelican flies overhead, turning its head to look down on me. For a brief moment, I stare into its big brown eye and hold my breath. The waves crash rhythmically, consistently, the soundtrack for my ride. Ahead of me, a golden retriever plays in the waves, soaked from nose to tail. He turns to his owner and barks. The owner responds by throwing his ball down the beach towards me. He bounds after it, dodging waves and screeching to a sandy halt, having the time of his life.

The voice in my head goes quiet. For the first time in a long time, I feel calm, connected, peaceful, and content. I am the true me, not who my limiting thoughts say I am.  

And it’s beautiful.